"Lord save us!"
"We're all gonna die! It will crush us all!"
"What that coming up the stairs? Is it a monster? Is it a MONSTER?!"
No, it was just me, going to see my midwives at the Midwifery Surgery. Apparently for almost 27 weeks (2 days to go) I am huge.
But whose fault is it I ask you? I have been eating healthily, I exercise - mostly, when I am not crippled by groin and back pain - and I drink a lot of water and not much else. So, it can't be my fault, can it?
"Well, your baby is registering extreme on most of the charts so..." I look up at my midwife expectantly but suddenly the phone is more interesting to her than the rest of the conversation. I look at the chart again. Humerus - extreme. Femur - extreme. The rest is gibberish. From my knowledge of biology, I know this means it has long arms and legs. Isn't it possible that baby just looks big because its long self is all scrunched up in there?
"No, right now there is still a lot of space for it to move around." She looks at me with pity.
Right. So, let me get this straight. Not only am I having an unplanned baby, but it turns out it will most likely be the World's Most Giant Baby EVER.
That sound you can hear is my vagina ripping in resignation.
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