All the single ladies!

Here are something to be aware of - or of which to be aware.

You know how you see all these adverts with impeccably groomed pregnant women? Or maybe you've seen Mother/Baby catalogues with glossy-haired, pouting women, sporting neat little rounded bumps and standing tall in heels? You know, the ones you just know will be you someday?

You might as well wipe that image off your mind. That will not be you.

First of all, those women are mostly not pregnant. Eh-hen, I've saved you from dashing some wrinkled up sadist with tolotolo neck about £5,000 in therapy sessions to tell you that you are beautiful. You're welcome.

Secondly, unless you have an actual high bridge to your nose - and most Africans do not - you will end up looking like you went a few rounds with Rocky. Your nose will get so big that it will be an affront to anyone glancing at your face.

Thirdly, it takes a long-ass time for your bump to look remotely rounded and nice and like a pregnancy. Until at least the middle of your pregnancy, (unless you invest in some maternity spanx and maybe not even then) you will just look fat. F.A.T.

Case in point. I went to a new hairdresser, first week of September. After grilling me in a sullen manner as to why I chose to come to her (eh, let me digress. See this crazy woman o! You're not happy that I came to your stupid salon?), I informed her that my hairdresser had moved.

"So why y'nat go to 'er then?' She said in her Jamaican accent.

"Well, I live in South East London and I'd have to go to Palmer's Green to get it done. As I'm pregnant the journey will only get harder as time goes by."

"Who pregnant? You? Ya duon look pregnant."

Meaning I just look fat? ARGH! I was depressed going home as she was the third person to make this statement of my four month old bump.

Lastly, on a curious reverse note, you will attract all the freaks and weirdos out there who have a pregnancy fetish. It may be disgusting and will make you want to peel your skin off each time they leer at you but as a silver lining, at least they know you're pregnant and not just fat. More on this later.

But who knows, I could be wrong. You could be different.

Good luck!